© 2013 Laura Niles

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Monologue Jokes - Late Night TV

August 6, 2016

Caffeinated peanut butter is finally here. Now when I go into anaphylactic shock, I can be much more alert.

 

 

A new study finds that religious children are meaner than agnostic and atheist kids. But…if they confess, it’s perfectly fine. 

Stephen Colbert Tag: I know. I was raised Catholic.

 

Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager charges supporters more than the average American’s monthly salary for a selfie with Hillary. On the other hand, to take a full body picture with old Bill, he’ll pay you.

 

 

After a long day on the campaign trail, Donald Trump insists on flying home to New York every night to sleep in the comfort his own bed. He hates sleeping in strange, foreign beds so much, he thinks they should be deported.

 

 

A bill to remove silencers from guns has been recently introduced. Gun activists were outraged, claiming guns have the right to freedom of speech.

 

 

It’s being reported that the new anti-gay law could cost Mississippi billions in federal dollars. Billions would’ve paid for a lot of "Jesus Hates Gays" billboards.

 

Dennis Rodman has announced he’ll be voting for Donald Trump. Because life after an evil mastermind, just hasn’t been the same.  (drop-in: Rodman, Kim Jung Un, and Trump.) 

 

 

Some experts say 1 In 5 adults will be obese by 2025, prompting all other experts to actually encourage fat shaming.

 

Tag: Making sure Nicole What’s–Her-Face Arbour keeps getting checks for her You Tube videos.

 

 

Gas prices could drop to $1 a gallon! This is exciting. Now even Millennials will be able to say, “I remember when gas was only a dollar...”

 

 

2016 started off exciting with a record 950 million-dollar Powerball. No winning ticket was drawn, but 18 million people did win some money. I must be really lucky since I haven’t won a dollar.

 

 

At a Golden Globes press conference last night, Jennifer Lawrence called out a foreign reporter saying  "You can't live your whole life behind your phone, bro." Everyone kind of agreed with her until the part where she called him a “bro.”

 

 

Cruel gangs are raking in 35,000 Euros a week smuggling puppies into the UK. Trump offered UK officials a idea for a quick fix. “You need to put up a pet gate.” (Trump Act-out)

 

 

A survey states that a common Facebook status is “I’m taking a break from Facebook.” Than why did you just post that?

 

 

A Florida couple use coffee enemas to cleanse their colons 4 times a day. While she prefers a slow, full-bodied coffee, he'll settle for instant.

 

 

There’s a new craze for youth seeking attention online. They set themselves on fire. And just when everyone was getting used to being choked to death. 

Tag: They go and start a new trend…

 

 

A bill has been introduced to remove silencers from guns. Gun activists were mad until we explained to them that guns have the right to the first amendment.

 

 

A man was arrested for selling drugs and stolen guns from his driveway. Next door, his kids opened a “Lemon Drop” alcoholic beverage stand. (Picture of kids holding red cups appearing drunk)

 

 

“Drunk Text” was recently added to Dictionary.com and “You up?” was added at 3am.

 

 

Human are evolving to be able to walk and text at the same time. They’re calling this the “cellular shuffle.” Reminds me of when my grandfather used to talk about the Telegram Twist. 

 

 

A recent study found that on average, almost 3 hours of a workday are spent responding to emails, many of which are personal emails. The only employer we know who insists there’s nothing wrong with this is Hillary Clinton.

 

 

Air India has proposed the world's longest flight – an 18 hour marathon. Perfect. Just enough time to finish a Bollywood movie. 

 

 

A woman wrote a 'Thank You' note to a police officer for giving her a speeding ticket. She later wrote him a love letter for the body-cavity search. 

 

 

 

These slimy deep-sea worms are actually quite close cousins to humans. (Sea worm image). The sea worms insist, "We are not related to those disgusting humans."

 

 

A knife-wielding man holds up phone shop in rage at a large bill. No one is surprised. 

 

 

A museum janitor mistook an art installation for trash and cleaned it up. “Can this guy walk around the street outside the studio?”

 

 

Donald Trump would be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency, his doctor says. And then added, “Well, the healthiest body.”

 

 

Sex robots could be the biggest trend of 2016 as more lonely humans seek mechanical companions. One consumer commented, “I like my companions quiet and made out of organic plastic.”

 

 

A home invader was arrested stealing frozen meat and a chain saw.  If he needs a chainsaw to carve a steak, maybe he should have stolen some tenderizer too.

 

 

Disneyland has added a new grassy area where visitors can do yoga.  It’s located just to the left of the Hybrid Monorail, right behind the Herbal Teacup Ride. 

 

 

A hitchhiking robot, designed to see how humans interact with robots, can’t manage to get out of Massachusetts. This scientifically proves that humans still don’t like to pick up hitchhikers.  

 

 

In Denver this evening, the nation's first Marijuana TV ad is set to air. Experts are warning that watching this commercial will be a gateway to watching a lot more commercials. 

 

 

Uber is launching a special service for senior citizens. Drivers will pick them up, take them to the park, and lastly show them how to use the Uber app to tip 50%.

 

 

Burning Man founder, Larry Harvey addressed the fact that this year, only 1.3 percent of the festival’s attendees were black. For next year Harvey wants to even things out and suggests that, "All white people bring their one black friend."

 

 

The Center for Disease Control has been investigating a rise in recent salmonella poisoning outbreaks. CDC officials advise consumers cook chicken products thoroughly, and, if you have a pet chicken, do NOT kiss it.

 

 

China is all set to release its monthly labor data. Of course these figures won’t include employed children and animals. 

 

 

Delta and American Airlines have announced a ban on big game trophy cargo. Small taxidermy such as stuffed armadillo is still considered acceptable carry on. 

 

In Washington State, a fugitive bank-robber-turned-actor has been arrested after U.S. agents spotted his picture in a newspaper article about a film he was in. This has to be the only case where an actor didn’t want to get discovered. 

 

 

Victoria, a 2-year-old rat, sniffs for landmines.  Sure she’s a local hero, but also puts her colleagues in danger, with her on the job chain smoking.  (Show photo of rat smoking)

 

 

Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager charges supporters more than the average American’s monthly salary for a selfie with Hillary. To take a full body picture with Bill, he’ll pay you. 

 

 

In a Dallas court yesterday, George W. Bush reported for jury duty. Everyone was impressed but also confused when, in the middle of the courtroom, the former President set up an easel and began a new series of watercolor paintings. 

Tag: He’s titled them, “My Life After POTUS.”

 

 

Russian TV forecasts ‘good weather for bombing’ in Syria. At the rate we're going, the US will have weather forecasts for mass shootings.

 

 

A Russian driver ingeniously replaced his car tire with a log. That's what I call a "lumberjack.”

 

 

The Center for Disease Control has been investigating a rise in recent salmonella poisoning outbreaks. CDC officials advise consumers cook chicken products thoroughly, and, if you have a pet chicken, do not make out with it.

 

 

Jed Bush stood on his tippy toes during a group photo at the last presidential debate. He said he didn’t realize it was a presidential debate and thought it was their kindergarten class photo.

 

 

The government is about to pass a law that will allow it to hack personal phone lines whenever it wants. Very upsetting. But everyone wants to know; is the government comprised of a bunch of jealous ex boyfriends and girlfriends?

 

 

Our very own CBS News conducted a study and found that although older siblings are smarter than younger siblings, “intelligence” can actually be passed down. As the youngest of 11 children, things must have changed since all I ever got from my brothers and sisters was some old shoes.  

 

 

A group of bodybuilders visited a tiny village in an effort to help boost their self-esteem. Unfortunately, nothing will make them feel better about their shrunken penises.

 

 

It’s been found that texting actually reduces the need for pain medication during surgery. Autocorrect is so annoying it beats all physical pain.

 

 

McDonald's new pulled pork sandwich takes 4 hours to cook. Oh and 4 days to digest. 

 

 

An Indian bride has finally won her freedom after being married off as a baby. Her former husband granted her freedom saying, "She's too winey and cries too much anyway."

 

 

A study found that students who use the most technology to learn also perform the worst. Now you finally have a reason to give your kids why you won’t buy them the new iPhone 7.

 

 

The state of North Carolina has released scratch and sniff, bacon scented lottery tickets. So what they’re saying is, we still won’t win any money.

 

 

Cucumbers were recalled in 26 states after a salmonella outbreak.  It’s advised that until officials instruct otherwise, the popular vegetable should be for "external use only."

 

 

In America, more women are now more obese than men, and the gap is widening. The thigh gap sure isn’t widening.

 

 

Did you know that most of our passwords could be easily guessed? If my password is so easy to guess, why can’t I ever remember it?

 

 

Last night in Florida, 3 armed robbers held up a convenience store for cash and candy. Witnesses saw the suspects fleeing the scene on their Big Wheels.

 

 

This man types with his nose faster than anyone ever.  Don’t give this guy any cocaine.  (Picture of man typing)

 

 

This chart shows how a Big Mac affects your body in the 60 minutes after eating it. I don't even need to read this. I just ate one and I can't zip up my pants. (Quickly put away chart after showing it)

 

 

A woman wrote a 'Thank You' note to a police officer for giving her a speeding ticket. She also wrote him a love letter for giving her a body cavity search.

 

 

According to her doctor, “Hillary Clinton is fit to serve as President. She only takes a few medications, doesn’t smoke, and drinks occasionally.” He added, “Don’t worry. She’s not nearly as fun as our last few presidents.”

 

 

Facebook CEO Zuckerberg and his wife are expecting a baby girl. At least we know the Facebook “poke” feature still works.  

 

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